Mary, Martha, and Self-Serving love
[Amended] Note from 487 days ago
I wrote this note early on a January morning in 2024. I’m not sure exactly what led up to it. But to give more context:
Let’s say you throw a party for someone you love. But they don’t particularly enjoy parties more than they would have enjoyed a movie night at home. And you know this. Was throwing them a party an act of love for them? Or a grand gesture to fulfill your own desire to feel loving?
That is the sort of thing I was talking about here. Okay let’s read :)
I cannot choose how I love, or worship [God]. Sure I may some leeway, and some things I do are appreciated, but there is A Way that God receives love. Obedience and intimacy. Routinely seeking His face. How do I know this?
Mary and Martha. Martha assumed she had so much time with Jesus in the future. She busied herself, making everything perfect. Making it organized and neat. Avoiding interacting with him, being intimate with him. She preferred to be intimate with her work, even though He preferred intimacy with her. She was satisfied with the fact that, since what she was doing was technically for Jesus, it was substantial. In fact, she believed it was an even the higher level of love than just being with him. It clearly required energy from her. And care!
But Mary knew. She knew that the best way to love Jesus was to just be with him while he was there. There was no activity more important than just to sit and listen. To be with people while we have them. To acknowledge that their presence is precious, and honor it.
“But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:42
If my goal is to love someone well, as in, ensure that they really know that I love them, then I would be most concerned with what they prefer and what they really want and need. But if I just want to feel loving, while still serving myself (whether I know that I am or not), I will continue to “serve” them in the way that I am comfortable with.
Sometimes we want to love in our way, to fulfill OUR own itch to love. We all have a desire to love. But when love is pure, and real, it becomes focused on the receiver. So even if I love to throw huge parties, if my mother would prefer a dinner at home with her best friends and family for her birthday, wouldn't me throwing her a party be selfish? That's not real love. It’s self-service, disguised as love for the other person. It's deceptive, even to the person performing it.
As with all things we can surely find a situation where there is nuance to this. Surely Martha was loving Jesus how she knew how to.
But Martha must change.
“Why can’t Jesus see what she’s doing as love?”
because it’s not love - she was distracted, controlling, and missing love target of God, which is intimacy. [Intimacy leads to us hearing what He truly wants, then we can hit His other love target, which is obedience, when we follow through. I recently learned that the word Torah (the first five books of the bible; aka the law) comes from the word “yarah” which means hitting the mark, hitting a specific target. That was the point of the law. That’s the point of everything. To hit the target, to actually make it. The target being God’s heart. Not to be corny but lol, that’s what this is actually all about.]
The point is to check the heart behind why you “love” God and people in the way that you do. Do you expect them to just accept what you do, even if it’s not really what they wanted? If so, who are you really loving through your action? [Also, how do we balance intention with accuracy? Is it always A for effort?]
We have to remember that love given isn’t necessarily love received. We have to accept that what we want to do for someone, may not be really preferred, though it could be appreciated. And sometimes it may not even be appreciated because the action is so absurdly and obviously about the giver.
If you bought me a bouquet of peanuts (pretend with me that such a thing exists), it really doesn’t matter how much effort, money, or so called “thought” was put into it. Because I am literally allergic to peanuts. And my loved ones know this very well. A heartfelt letter would have sufficed. By striving to stroke your own need to feel needed/loving/impactful, you gave me something I could never accept. But the point is for the love to land, at least somewhere near the target. This is not about perfection btw, but about the genuineness of our intentions. It is important that you can discern your intentions accurately.
It is better to do the thing God ASKS you to do, than the thing that you ASPIRE to do for God. - Dr. Tobi Oke
When we read Luke 10 and John 15, we can see that clearly God desires obedience and prioritizing time with Him above every sacrifice, social media post, sermon given, money donated etc. As He says in 1 Samuel 15, “Obedience is better than sacrifice." Those that refused to accept this truth about Him will spend their lives like those in Matthew 7. Prophesying, preaching, healing, and delivering only to be rejected by God in the end because he does not know them at all. What a sad way to go out.
We have to get our priorities straight.
And, when you love God in this right way, you get the best out of Him. You get the best for you. When you worship him in this pure way, you receive the “needful”, the one thing that is necessary. The relationship is so secure. Your bond is so secure. Is everything else perfect and sorted out? Trust that it’ll all sort itself out, because you have Him. It's all secondary to your connection with Him.
So, what do we do with this?
We pray.
Prayer
“God, help me to love genuinely. In an unselfish way. I don’t want to show love in a way that serves and satisfies me but does not reach and satisfy You. I want my love to be pure and genuine, so I release my allegiance to my way of “loving” you and others. Give me the grace to do this. Give me the mindset that Mary had. By your grace, set my priorities in order.”
Then, we release our own way of loving and choose His.
Seek His face. Seek Him while He may be found (Isaiah 55:6)
Obey. Just as He asked.
Results guaranteed.
And with people? Just listen. Ask. Get feedback and care about it. Don’t take things too personally.
Since we’re dealing with humans here, results will always vary. Trust your loved ones to be honest about what they want and don’t put too much pressure on doing everything perfectly. People just want to know that you really care. So, care!
Think there’s more nuance to this thought? Have a related story? Completely disagree? Share your perspective with me!
btw, everyone thinks I hate AI because I talk about it a lot (not much on here yet…but we’ll see) BUT I actually used ChatGPT to make the cover photo for this post. fun fact.
not you being in my quiet timeeee 😫😹 but bro this is so good!!
i was reading in Philippians 2 the other day, v.4, where it talks about caring about the interests of others over your own, and this ties in perfectly to this post. love hits different when it’s remembered—God being so mindful of us, loved ones taking the time to remember us, etc… and now what’s really coming to mind is that God wants to be remembered too… legit Ecclesiastes 12:1, “Remember now thy Creator (...)”
if Martha truly remembered God in that moment and cared about His interests, she would’ve known that He could care less about our “do, do, do” (works) because He cares more about our “be, be, be” (being w Him). Mary remembered. i’m encouraged 🤍